Embarrassment…

I recently read an article about embarrassment and where that feeling actually stems from. To me it comes from being different or not living up to someone else’s expectations of how things or I am supposed to be. It’s a deep sense of being different from the flock, whether that he as small as wearing glasses or not driving the right car. 

Why do we feel embarrassed? As humans in the western world we judge a person so quickly on what we see. Rather then just being happy with the car we own, the house we rent (instead of buying), wearing clothes that make us feel good (not sporting a certain brand). 

I’m trying to think when things and brands started meaning something to me and making me feel embarrassed in what I had on. As a kid I loved wearing clothes I had got at the op shop. I looked so forward to Mum’s op shop day I would do extra chores to pay for a treasure, I was so happy and felt so good in whatever I wore. Then as I become a teenager someone introduced me to surf brands and so it began. 

I remember being judged on a purchase I made with some hard earn money from my after school hours job. I was so proud, but someone judged me loudly and I learnt embarrassment. I learnt in my early teens on how to defend my look and to try hard to fit in. 

Then I found my crew, friends who I could be me and be comfortable in whatever I wore. I lost the need to chase brands. I was young, and free. I rented with friends, drove a second hand car and turned up at bars to get half priced drinks. I was so happy. Money or possessions didn’t matter or define me.

Embarrassment crept back in when I met my husband and moved in different circles. I changed who I presented to the world and didn’t feel comfortable with my lifestyle. I danced a very expensive dance and trust me I was never going to win!

Anyhow while I am getting back to being me, with the people I love and who love me for who I am and don’t judge the outside I am putting embarrassment in the bin. I am who I am and that is enough for me.

I am also going to post pictures that aren’t so perfect, because I am not perfect and don’t aim to be. I aim to be enough for me and for my son. I want him to know there is nothing wrong with renting, wearing glasses, sporting a double or triple chin. As long as you wear a smile on your face and lightness in your heart you are enough!

Good timing for me to feel. I can now seek out friends in the area and know I am enough. Those who do judge also feel the feelings of rejection and embarrassment as they will never feel like they are enough. 

There is a lesson and a reflection in embarrassment- I ask you to ask yourself why is this effecting me? 

One little thing that my son does that has caused me a little embarrassment is farting in public. Now I know why this embarrasses me as the rules of society have moulded me to believe that this behaviour is unacceptable. I will move forward thinking that this is something I can laugh about! 

Today I took my bubs to a movie. I loved a movie as a kid. While he is too little to understand, it’s good for my mental health to be out enjoying my life with him. Happy Mum, happier Bub!