Hushing the voices

Call me crazy but I have a constant cometary going in my head every single moment of every single day. Now it can fill the spaces of living alone, so I don’t feel so alone. But my voices don’t allow me to have much me time. I feel like they are constantly looking around the house for jobs for me to do. They pull me away from a cuppa tea or even pull me away from reading the magazine I bought when I moved into my own house (6 weeks ago). 

Today I won the war and am sitting, with my cup of tea and just ignoring those dam voices. The house work can wait, the washing can wait, the text messages can wait and so can everyone else. Something I’ve learnt is, if I don’t look after me and give those voices a little break, I may break! I live alone, no one else but me cares about the crumb on the floor or the washing that needs hanging, and that dirty glass can stay there the night. 

Don’t get me wrong I feel keeping my house in order helps keep my mind in order. But I’m going to enjoy this cuppa and this peace. 

Another thing I’ve been hushing the voices to is a weekly or fortnightly massage. Coming out of two back to back relationships I miss touch and massage. Not that they played big roles but I don’t want my online dating profile to say “loves and good massage” as I don’t want to attract that audience. So I pay someone to squeeze and massage my aches and pains. Best $40 I spend on myself.

I feel on Fridays the voices need a celebratory drink. So we will have a a little bubble with my pasta for one! As they say, “the only way is up”! 

Happy Friday people. Enjoy a moment of peace and quite, it is golden. 

Clawing backĀ 

As my new chapter has begun I have been writing my lists of what parts of me to keep and what to let go of. Life after a marriage break down can be made tough when you forget who you were before. Not that I will ever be her again, she is now a mother and she is somewhat more wiser.

When you walk for 3 years in the fire you come out stronger than ever. But I don’t want to be bitter from the experience. I want to pop it on the bookshelf of my life as a lesson lived and learnt. One of my passions I will not give up, is my writing. Of all the boxes I tried to fit into my only space of being me was here, writing my blog.

I may have always looked on the bright side of a crappy situation. But now I walk tall living on my own and watching my world grow. Not only have I released the hurt and pain but I’m building my home of happiness.

I’ve said it before but I’m so much more at peace with very little. I live closer to the ocean, my heart. I don’t have to escape far anymore to feel free.

I’ve had my moments wondering if I can claw back, but I’m a Leo, I’m a lion and it’s what us cats do best, we survive as we are kings of our kingdom. Watch this space as my creative juices are flowing. This picture is of me and my biggest cheer leader. She will help heal my soul & she reminds me of what’s important and what I need to throw away and keep. 

Find that space not to have to grasp

And so I move on in my world. My next chapter will come. Together with my son and I we will make this life time a great adventure together. Why do you say? Because he will have a happy Mum. The Mum that disappeared as she clawed and grasped at a relationship that drained every ounce of my being.

A relationship should not feel strained. It should be shared with people who generally love your company and make you feel that warm comfortable. They care for you but don’t make you feel stress. They also don’t make you groan when you see their number come up on your phone. They don’t fill silence with nonsense. Your at ease. If you sit in any relationship whether it be a friendship or marriage if you feel a constant tension almost like a silent panic, think about how it makes you feel. 

I’ve learnt chasing ghosts or anything to do with a relationship only hurts you. Chances are the pull is one way. And if walking away is the only time panic is felt by the other party, it’s too late. 

Today my life is a mess. But it’s a beautiful mess and it is a mess with people who bring about a sense of calm to my life. And that’s enough for me.

My smile feels more real and my time and love for my son deeper. I will never love anyone as much as I do my son and I’m ok with that. 

Transparent baskets

Wouldn’t it be something to see what everyone was carrying in their basket of life? Or not. Maybe that’s why we all have such thick skin and hide away our darkest days. 

A benefit is being able to talk straight away about whatever is going on in your life. As the world would be able to see what’s in your basket of life. 

Part of me feels terrible for hiding what is really going on for me at the moment and part of me is relieved that I only have to share it with whom I chose. 

It would certainly make making new friends difficult if you walked around with the variety of challenges you are going through. I believe every single person that you sit next to have their own overflowing basket. Even the down to earth, earthy person has life challenges they chose not to openly share.

Your not living if your basket is empty. Life is supposed to be full of variety from every aisle of the shop. 

My biggest challenge I am yet to fully understand is how an addiction can consume someone to the point of no return? I understand that maybe there were too many challenges in the basket but how you pushed every human that cared away I don’t understand and probably never will. 

The beauty in carrying life around in a thick skin is you can reveal small snippets of your life to whom you want, when your comfortable. Today was not the day for me to reveal my challenges and where I am going. And as the sun sets I’m ok with that. 

Observations of a Mum on a train…

So here I am, expected to be sound minded and interviewing for a job. Who on gods earth thinks interviewing a mother in the haze of maternity leave thinks this task is doable or even legal? 

But in my self moto “get up, turn up and be counted”. I was counted and my excuse for my vagueness about all things work is my baby. Yep I’m going to use that beautiful child I created as my excuse for as many things as I can! He is already my new excuse for being late, foggy head and why sometimes I just can’t make it. And people with and without children don’t questioning it, it’s just my new reality.

I must say it’s the first day being an adult (not just Mum) since I have had my Little one. I felt like I was missing part of me. I kept thinking “I can’t wait to show my baby this city”. Melbourne is pretty overwhelmingly beautiful. It is also very fast paced now I’m a country girl again. I did suffer from stimulation overload. I felt swallowed up by the big city with people darting all around me. No one smiles and everyone is so dam busy. 

The sensory over load did have me focusing on the different people. Like the man with his eyes closed, stuffing his face with dim sims- I can see you, do you need a baby wipe for the sauce on your cheek? I think people who are in the city all the time clearly feel like no one notices them. 

There was also a Mum I noticed. She left the house in her comfortable trackie. She had her hands full of children’s coats and back packs. I wonder how she got to that point? I get comfortable, and I get the need for tracksuits. But not as an outfit to hit the city in. She wasn’t off to the gym, she was just trying to be invisible. I get how as a mother you would want to be a bit invisible so your kids can shine, but your not invisible. 

I do feel we women put careers and lives on hold for our children. But I want my Little one to be part of my life and see that Mummy can juggle both a good job and being a good Mumma. I’m sure like most things there is a balance (it’s just finding it). I can’t believe I’ve already been off work for 6 months! No wonder dressing professionally seems a bit weird. 

I hope that I did blend in while I was out in the city. I feel like I have so much going on that blending in is exactly where I need to be right now. 

This photo is a throw back from Easter. I love the Little Party Dress dress I have on. And I’m always happier when I’m spending time with my family and my son. 

My moments

I can honestly say i didn’t enjoy moments to myself enough before child. I also didn’t sleep in enough, exercise hard enough or sit in silence enough. I didn’t sit with my hot cup of whatever enough. 

However moments with my other friend Mum’s are my new enough. They understand how holding ones beautiful offspring so you can enjoy a hot latte and hold a somewhat normal conversation. They are the friends that understand that I have to talk about every topic in my head in 2 minutes flat understand that a babies smile can turn into a fit of cries at the drop of a hat. Then I try to listen, absorb some of the conversations that go on, only to realise I’ve probably just been focusing on happy smiley baby so much I don’t know if my response is correct. Oh the joys of being a dedicated mother! 

Now I cannot sterotype I do love all my friends equally. My friends who have parented their own siblings in a way don’t think I’m losing my mind. And the friends who love baby cuddles are so helpful. My 7 1/5 kilos of baby does get handed back due to his sheer weight (I love you chubby bubby)! 

While I don’t think I enjoyed my wild and free days “enough”, I never imagined I could ever love another human being as much as I do my son. For me there will never be enough cuddles, never enough time together and never enough hours in the day. Some days I lay in my bed and hope I have loved my little boy enough. I would never wish for my single days back,  however enjoying a hot shower, little sleep in and having my pre-baby face on would be nice (in small droplets). 

This photo was taken at the end of the day. I know I probably needed a good filter on it. But this is me being a raw mother. I know I’m enough and that is something to raise my glass to!

If the shoe fits

While I was quite pregnant I started (and very like me never finished), a book about healing and your journey on this earth. It spoke about why someone experiences certain challenges or events. For me much of my married life has been a roller coaster of challenges. In my married life the celebrations have been far and few. I’ve experienced so many things I honestly do not wish on any of my friends or family. A marriage should be built on trust, love, respect and honesty. It’s not about things, or about feeding one urge more then another. If one feels so selfish in one obsession or addiction perhaps they should walk alone.

I hope my journey so far has got me closer to the shoe that fits. I know in the book it said sometimes the lessons or challenges of this life were the pay back lessons for a previous life. Well I’ve learnt my lesson- don’t lie, steal and don’t take people for granted. These things combined make for a woman who is stronger and questions everything that people claim to be. 

Today has been a celebration for my post pregnancy body. I’m in my jeans again! And they feel like they fit exactly how they did prebaby! I am not over working myself to look a certain way as my baby boy means more then any crash diet. And let’s be honest being a parent requires regular trips to the chocolate cupboard!